please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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