there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
