Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
