Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
