So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
