I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
