He passed out mid-signature
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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