Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
