...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize