this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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