Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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