I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
