Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
