Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
