I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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