shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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