If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
