Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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