we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
