I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
