I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
