Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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