dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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