My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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