Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Randomize
