i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I need a beard to bite.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize