Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
