but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize