Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
