In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
