I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
