The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
