No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
