I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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