i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
