so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
