You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
