I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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