I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
