I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
