Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
