the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
