My underwear smells like fireworks.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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