I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize