Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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