I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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