After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
