Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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