I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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