I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
