I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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