glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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