i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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