It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
