I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
