Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
