i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
