A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
