3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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