Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
