i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
