I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
