I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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