from now on my penis is your penis
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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