I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
