Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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