I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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